It’s Good To Be Us
As many of you know, I just returned from an 11 day trip to Ireland with 11 buddies, playing 16 rounds of golf. Over the week and a half, we walked over 100 miles, 200,000 steps and most importantly, shared a ton of laughs, beer and Irish Whisky. Seven of the guys, in particular, are very dear and close friends. We’ve shared our successes, joys, sadness, concerns and loss with each other, and without question nor hesitation, we would all run through walls for each other.
Male friendships hold a profound significance in the lives of many, including those who have retired from successful careers. I found this to be especially true in my case. As I look back at my 35 year career, working my way through corporate America, I was constantly surrounded by people with a shared experience. My “team” was going through the same challenges, projects and goals, and had the opportunity to commiserate or help each other. This sense of “team purpose” helped unify us and provided a natural network upon which you could lean on.
Upon retirement, however, that network and purpose instantly disappeared. Relationships that you thought would transcend daily work interaction clearly didn’t mean as much as you believed. In many cases, I was a “means to an end” and my purpose was to remove obstacles, provide air cover and resolve issues. No more, no less and don’t get me wrong, I do not harbor any resentment nor hard feelings. I get it, life goes on. As soon as my usefulness had run its course, the contact ended. Sure, there are many people that transcend this “transactional” relationship, but because of the nature of my friendship with these people, I also knew we would continue to be friends and confidants after my departure.
As I look at the last 3 years of my life since retirement and marked the beginning of this new chapter in life, I’ve grown to appreciate my male friends so much more and never take them for granted. Even though most of these friends are through the country club, it gave us a common experience and foundation upon which we grew to know and appreciate each other. Unlike the workplace, WE CHOOSE to spend time together. Not everyone has retired, but we are all about the same age with similar backgrounds, levels of success, have kids that are married, and even sharing the grandparent experience together. And though our journeys may vary, we support each other, we provide an emotional outlet to share vulnerabilities and worries, and even spend hours talking about Medicare, Social Security, RMDs (don’t worry Millennials, you’ll care about this too, someday), trusts and wills.
I believe women do a much better job of sharing their feelings with their female friends and men could learn a thing or two. Women not only discuss everything going well in their lives, but also their frustrations, refer friends to a new manicurist, talk about their mammogram results, and their experiences with menopause. I recently had a medical scare and decided to open up to some of my closest friends for support. In EVERY case these friends had sincere words of encouragement, positivity, offered guidance, recommendations and referrals, and lifted me up. As much as I leaned on Kim for love and support, and believe me, I wouldn’t have come out sane without her, it was different getting the perspective of men who might have similar experiences or know men who have gone through these challenges. While Kim is my North Star, it was nice to get other points of light from other celestial bodies.
As you age, it is natural for your circle of friends to shrink. I’ve mentioned the 4:00am friend in a previous post and I can’t say enough about how important it is to identify that subset of friends who you can truly rely on. Male friendships have been proven to have a tremendous positive impact on your mental health and well-being, camaraderie, sharing physical activities (whether it’s golf, pickleball, biking, hiking, etc) and finding purpose after retirement. There really is no substitute for laughter.
My experiences after retirement found that male friendships are not just about shared activities or superficial connections. They are about forging deep, meaningful bonds with other men who provide support, understanding, and companionship in different stages of life. The memories you create WITH PEOPLE tend to be the memories that are the most meaningful as time passes. These male friendships were instrumental in helping me navigate the transition to retirement, find purpose beyond my career, and continue to enjoy life to the fullest. These friendships were a testament to the enduring significance of the bonds that men share, bonds that are built on trust, understanding, and a shared journey through life's ups and downs.
So, whether it was on the golf course, over dinner and drinks, or during heart-to-heart conversations, I cherish my male friendships, recognizing them as a vital and enriching aspect of my post work life. In the words of my good friend Craig, “It’s good to be us”.
