The Power of Being an Effective Listener
For as long as I can remember, I have been fond of reminding my kids and my employees that they have 2 ears and 1 mouth and should use them in that proportion. Too often, we are so eager to get our point across that we fail to listen to the other person’s point of view, stop paying attention to the verbal and non-verbal cues they are sending and either start to formulate a response while the other person is still talking, or, worse, interrupt them before they’ve finished their thought. I have been accused of this a lot lately by Kim and it frustrates her no end. I anticipate what she wants to say and instead of letting her finish her point, I will cut her off to provide my answer. While half of the time I may have correctly guessed the right answer and where she was going, I completely missed her point the other half. To make things worse, I failed to let her finish her thought process, thus invalidating her opinion, her thinking and ultimately marginalizing her altogether.
I know I used to be a pretty good listener, too, and still possess those skills when I want. I understand the value of letting someone get their point across and being heard. In fact, I made an entire career around being an effective listener. Whether it was with customers, vendors or employees, I tried to genuinely give my time and my undivided attention to that person.
I suspect many of you have had lapses in judgement and have been called out for being inattentive. You may not be aware that you’re “checked out” or subconsciously have let your mind drift, or you might be distracted with other things on your plate. Whether you’re in a rush to just get to the end of the conversation or simply uninterested in what the other person is saying, this behavior is actually quite offensive, in particular if you’re a leader, let alone to your spouse or your child.
There are some simple tactics you can use to reinforce your listening skills.
Put aside all distractions and focus all your attention on what the other person is saying. Put your phone face down and close your laptop in meetings to avoid the temptation of checking messages. When you’re at home, turn off the TV so you can focus on what your spouse or child is saying.
If this is a scheduled meeting, make sure you stick to the agenda. By staying on topic and on track, you’ll find your attention won’t waver.
Be engaged, ask open-ended questions or get clarification when needed but don’t do it just to be combative. I hate people that ask questions just to hear their own voice.
Avoid interrupting and allow the speaker to express their thoughts without interrupting or interjecting. Let them finish their sentences and avoid jumping to conclusions or assumptions before they have completed their thought.
Show empathy and understanding: Try to put yourself in the speaker's shoes and understand their perspective. Show empathy by acknowledging their feelings and validating their experiences. Responding with phrases like "I understand," "That must be challenging," or "I can see why you feel that way" can demonstrate your empathy.
Practice active listening, which involves engaging with the speaker and demonstrating your understanding. Use verbal and non-verbal cues to show that you are listening, such as nodding, using affirmative sounds like "mm-hmm" or "I see," and paraphrasing or summarizing their points to ensure you've understood correctly. Try not to overdue the verbal cues, though as they can be disruptive and distracting.
Maintain eye contact: Eye contact shows that you are engaged and interested in what the speaker is saying. It also helps you pick up on non-verbal cues and signals.
When you’re on Zoom calls, close all other windows and focus on the speaker and presentation. The presenter deserves your attention and everyone will know if you’re distracted and pre-occupied with email.
Remember, there is no greater compliment you can give someone than to give them your time and attention when they are speaking. Imagine you’re telling a story; think about how good you feel when your audience is hanging on every word, eyes glued on you. Consider how your children or grandchildren feel when they want to share something that happened to them at school and you are completely engaged instead of distracted or giving them the brush off because you’re trying to get dinner on the table or sending emails in the evening. Anyone worth listening to is worth listening to with your full attention.
That’s how you want to make others feel every day…like they are the most important person in the room.
